Crustations

We need to talk about something.

It’s very important.

It has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve been AWOL from the blog for five months.

Because I wasn’t AWOL.

I knew exactly where I was.

It just wasn’t here.

But I’m here now and we need to discuss something very important.

It’s a rather urgent matter and needs your utmost attention.

Ok.

Here goes.

Pie crust is gross.

Stop it.

We don’t judge here.

But I stand by my opinion.

Pie crust is almost always dry, bland, boring, and a complete waste of calories and stomach space.

Salted flour and crisco is just not my idea of a good time.

And I spend an embarrassing amount of  time trying to scrape every last precious molecule of filling out of the crust.

And then because I’m sad that the filling frotterism is over, I begin to pick at the crust in hopes of elongating the experience.

And then I hate myself.

Because I hate pie crust and I just ate the whole damn thing in minuscule forkfuls until it was gone.

So I decided to skip this whole charade and go right for the jugular.

That’s right.

All filling.

 Pumpkin Pie Filling

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I guess you could call this pudding, if you must.

But this tastes exactly like pumpkin pie filling and I don’t mean the slop that comes in a can.

Nope.

It tastes like real pumpkin pie that came out of your very own oven.

Except this requires no cooking and is ready in five minutes.

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It does require a high speed blender or food processor, though, so go ahead and put that on Santa’s list if you don’t already own one.

I thought I was the genius that came up with this recipe but it turns out I saw it on another blog a few days prior and the idea must have been floating around in my gray matter for a while.

I found the original recipe HERE and made the following adaptations:

PUMPKIN PIE PUDDING

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1 (15 oz) can pumpkin puree (not pie filling)

1/2 cup pecans

1/2 cup maple syrup

1 1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice

1/4 teaspoon salt

Add all ingredients to a blender and blend until smooth.

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 Like I said, you can call it pudding.

But I served it with a banana and called it breakfast.

And mixed it into a smoothie and called it lunch.

And ate it by the spoonful for dinner.

And then I slathered it on some pumpkin bread and almost lost my mind.

If you simply must have pie, then I would just dollop this all over a big, fat slice of apple or pecan pie instead of whipped cream.

Just do it.

I’ll look away while you lick the blender blades.

Like I said, we don’t judge here.

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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See Money

Here’s what I could do with $400.00:

Buy 28 cute spring scarves from Target.

source

Stock up on 266 cans of pumpkin

Finally get a smart phone

source

 Gift a llama to a family in Africa.

 OR

Or I could get new glasses.

Oh, that doesn’t include the frames.

Just the lenses.

That’s exactly how I wanted to spend a whole month’s worth of groceries: on fragile pieces of glass for my face.

I thought I could save money by using my old frames.

Too bad they charged me for that too.

Good thing this recipe is free.

Gluten-free, that is.

I thought I would spring for gluten free pasta since I’ve never had it and I like to try new things.

If I can’t have new glasses, at least I can have new pasta.

And adding fun things like zucchini, red pepper, and raisins almost made me forget the half of a mortgage payment I just dropped on spectacles.

Next time I might add some vision enhancing foods like carrots, walnuts, or tofu.

But this recipe is light, springy and perfect for your Easter table.

Springin’ Vegetable Pasta

8 oz. gluten free pasta

2 tablespoons olive oil, divided

3 stalks celery, chopped

1 red pepper, chopped

1 zucchini, chopped

1 bunch basil, chopped

1/2 cup raisins

1 teaspoon rice vinegar

1 lemon, juiced

3/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

Prepare pasta according to package directions.

Tidbit: Pinterest Success! A wooden spoon over the pot really does prevent the water from boiling over!

In a large saucepan,  add half of the olive oil, celery, red pepper, and zucchini.

Cook for 7-8 minutes over medium heat until vegetables are tender.

Add drained pasta, basil, rice vinegar, lemon juice, salt, pepper, and remaining olive oil.

Add the raisins and toss gently to combine.

Add additional salt and pepper to taste.

This is a fantastic Easter recipe for those of you that have gluten free family members.

You’ll see.

I, however, won’t be seeing anything until I can save enough pennies for my prescription lenses.


SEE you later!

Sweet-Ish

I had book club last night.

We all got together to watch a movie and drink wine.

What?

Did you think we sat around discussing character development and the use of dialogue?

No.

We sat around drinking a variety of wines and discussing all of the gratuitous sex scenes in the movie.

Which there were plenty.

Don’t worry.

We did read the actual book.

Well, some of us did.

Probably.

The book?

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

(Source)

The movie?

(source)

Uh, The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo.

Duh.

In the book, the main female character, Lisbeth Salander, is brilliant and socially awkward.

Despite her petite stature, she is edgy, hard, and quite frankly, tough as shit.

Think Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta.

Only slightly more insane.

Case in point: She rapes her rapist in then tattoos “I am a rapist pig”  across his entire upper half.

Then she disembowels his lower half.

Too graphic for you?

You should have seen the movie.

Both the book and the movie are set in Sweden so I wanted to bring a traditional Swedish dish.

Um, I don’t think veganism exists in Sweden.

My options were Swedish meatballs or pickled herring.

I almost resigned to showing up with a box of Swedish Fish.

Then I remembered the delicious confection the Swiss are famous for:

Chocolate.

Coming to a book club near you:

Chokladboll

That’s right.

Chocolate Balls.

Say it again.

Chocolate Balls.

Chocolate Balls.

I can’t say it with a straight face.

The traditional Swedish Chokladboll is made with cocoa, oats, butter, sugar, coffee and rolled in shredded coconut.

My version uses maple syrup and melted Swiss chocolate in place of the butter.

In honor of Lisbeth, I added cinnamon and ass-kicking cayenne pepper.

And like Lisbeth, these will rape your senses.

Too graphic for you?

Wait until you try one.

Chokladboll

1 cup quick cooking oats (not instant)

2 tablespoons cocoa powder

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup maple syrup

1.5 oz. Swiss chocolate (or 1/4 cup chocolate chips), melted

2 tablespoons coffee

1 cup shredded coconut, for coating

Combine oats, cocoa powder, spices, and salt and mix thoroughly.

Add maple syrup, melted chocolate, and coffee.

Stir.

Let mixture rest for a minute or two to firm up.

Scoop 1 tablespoon of mixture and shape into a ball.

Roll in coconut.

Serve room temperature, chilled, or frozen.

GUESS WHAT?

It’s Earth Day!

In the spirit of the holiday, I’m saving all of my garbage.

For the compost!

All this saving the Earth stuff leaves me ravenous.

I’m going to go stuff my face with Chokladbolls.

 I still can’t say it with a straight face.

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