A CHRISTMAS STORY

Let’s have a Christmas story.

Put your cozies on, grab a hot cup of cheer, and snuggle up under a warm blanket in front of sparkly Christmas tree lights.

That’s what I was doing Saturday morning while having a little face time with the husband.

Not face to face.

Computer to face.

We were discussing sugar and spice and everything nice when what to my wandering eyes to appear?

A dog flying through the house like a certain red-nosed reindeer.

She flew down the stairs and took off like a flash, toward the basement she ran where I heard a squealing crash.

I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter, fully expecting that a mouse hunt was what was causing all the clatter.

At the top of the stairs I stood in whirl, where not a mouse  scurried towards me, but a full size freaking squirrel.

I hollered and screamed and opened the door, while my husband grew concerned what all the screaming was for.

I called to my husband, through the computer screen, there’s a squirrel in the house causing this scene!

I opened the door and tried to kick the squirrel out, when he ran to the dining room, followed by the hungry dog, no doubt.

Squirrel climbed up a lamp while the dog took a bite, as I continued to scream my head off, cursing this sight.

The squirrel looked right at me, with fear in his eye, I thought I could save him, but the dog thought he should die.

She clamped her teeth down and he squeaked like a toy,  “We don’t eat squirrel!” I screamed, I much prefer soy.

With a blink of an eye, and one finale exhale, the lifeless squirrel’s body soon began to pale.

The dog swooped him up and started to flee, where she ran and deposited him, right in front of the Christmas tree.

I heard husband chuckle and give a little giggle too, “how sweet,” he said, “the dog got a present for you.”

I ran for my mittens to scrape my present up of the floor, and hurriedly threw him                                                       out the back door.

I tried to catch my breath while husband laughed in my face, but boy was I so exhausted after the damn squirrel race.

I collapsed on the couch from all the running about, when the dog went hypoglycemic and nearly passed out.

Like a bowl full of jello, she started to wobble and shake,  I wasn’t really sure                                                                     how much more of this I could take.

I fed her some honey, and bundled her up near the tree, and thought to myself “what a terrible story.”

It’s like Christmas Vacation, the iconic holiday movie, except everything was real and it had happened to me.

My heart was still racing as I thought of what happened in this place, it sort of felt like Christmas just punched me in the face.

When the holidays get crazy, and it hurts to even think, it’s time to pour yourself a nice Christmas drink.

If you’ve just had a day where you think you’ve seen it all, pour yourself a glass of this, and feel free to add alcohol.

CHRISTMAS PUNCH

1 (12 oz) bag of fresh cranberries

2 oranges

8 cups of water

1/2-1 cup of honey (or agave, or sugar)

Ginger ale, optional

Vodka, necessary

Cut oranges into small chunks, leaving the peel on.

Add cranberries and oranges to a blender or food processor.

Puree.

Add water (you may have to do this in batches) and blend.

Strain into a bowl or large pitcher.

Add 1/2 to 1 cup of honey, depending on sweetness desired.

Chill.

Pour into a glass.

Top with a splash of ginger ale.

And 1/2 oz of vodka, if necessary.

To help you get into the holiday spirit, if you will.

When things start to get blurry and you’re losing your sight, say MERRY CHRISTMAS to all                                and call it a night. 

For those of you that are wondering, yes, this actually happened. You can contact husband for the audio account of today’s Christmas story!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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